As David Bohm says, there is no safety in things. But be this as it may, our lives are largely even primarily based on creating relative safety by way of the material. To this end we consume vitamins, safety test cars and maintain the integrity of our homes. And it is within this last instance, our homes, that our primary source of safety lies.
Shelter is an indisputable necessity in this sometimes inhospitable world and the loss of shelter whether through natural disaster, temporary evacuation or other circumstance is always a traumatic event. Most of us here in the US have never faced this catastrophe and for most of my life I have been part of this fortunate demographic. I live in the Wyoming Valley however, the site of what Richard Nixon called the worst natural disaster in American history - the flood of 1972.
Across Pennsylvania, more than 68,000 homes and 3,000 businesses
were destroyed, leaving over 220,000 people homeless and a path of destruction that would be estimated at $14 billion dollars today. In our county alone more than 25,000 homes and businesses were either
damaged or destroyed, and the devastation was estimated to be $1
billion in the economy of the day. The valley as we knew it was gone and rebuilding was a long heartbreaking process.
Thankfully I did not live in the flood zone in 1972 but I have lived in it through the series of evacuation which have occurred since. Our dyke has held but many unprotected communities were inundated. And while we were fortunate enough not to sustain damage, the last 3 day evacuation of our family and 120,000 residents of Wyoming Valley in September of 2011 was enough for me.
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| West Pittston PA September 2011 |
Hence my six month search for a new home out of the flood plain which ended this April with the purchase of a great old fixer upper on the near top of a mountain in a small town overlooking our valley.
The house was everything we were looking for - eight rooms, hardwood floors, original woodwork, big kitchen, great staircase, nice yard - but it was also in a sorry state. The floors were stained and the woodwork was coated in paint. The wiring was antiquated, the plumbing blocked. The garage was (and still is) semi-collapsing but the house itself is solid.
Divided into two rental units for many years, things were done to this once beautiful home that defy explanation. Setting it right is an undertaking that is consuming most of time, putting me 'behind' here in this blog for the first time since its inception. This update is my way of explaining.
Extensive remodeling is harder, at 55, than is was just a few years ago. And the immersion in a world of physicality is challenging as well.
Prior to this undertaking, a fair amount of my free time was centered on the metaphysical. Life was light and airy and relatively happy. Now it is tied to planning and building. And there is nothing more 3D than hanging sheetrock or knocking out old plaster or framing a wall.
I will be happy when the work is finished. When we are moved and settled. When I can once again meditate at night or read instead of dozing off, exhausted. Still I believe in what I'm creating now. I believe in creating a safe place for my family. I believe in restoration and the balancing act of making things right.
There is, of course, no real safety in it, no point where it cannot be torn apart. But physical survival is part and parcel of what we have been charged with here. It is the platform from which we operate and the base that we retreat to when the outside world is too much to take.
See previous post for the before pics. Check back for the afters!
Most people can create images inside their mind quite easily. About 1 in 50 people, however, have a problem with the visual cortex called aphantasia. In aphantasia, the part of the brain that processes information received from the eyes doesn't function properly. As a result, there is an inability to create mental images.
According to Web MD: “The ability to create mental images exists on a spectrum. On one end, are people who can create extra-vivid mental images. Most people are somewhere in between.” On the other, those with complete (or total) aphantasia are unable to conjure up any kind of mental imagery. Though they are able to dream because dreaming is involuntary.
My aphantasia was and is, total. Like many people with aphantasia, I grew up thinking that everyone was like me and that the ‘image’ in imagination was a metaphor.
But there was one "psychic" advantage to my condition. I couldn’t deliberately make up a vision if I tried.
So when I began to see visualize spots of color during a guided chakra meditation I was overjoyed. As the meditation progressed, a distinct circle of violet light appeared, and I felt as if I was looking through this circle of color into another space.
Then, very abruptly, I found myself surrounded by color.
A bright endless blue.
It was almost as if a giant curtain had fallen or a bright blue screen had blinked into being and wrapped completely around me.
For a moment, I panicked. Thinking that I was having a seizure or even a stroke, I opened my eyes to an ordinary room. But when I shut them again, the color was waiting. This continued for a good ten or fifteen minutes before I decided to keep my eyes open and get on with my day.
Later, when I sat down to record my experience in The Mystic Review, I remembered the swirling spectrum of blue I’d seen in the Spirit Dream. While the blue I’d seen in meditation was only a single shade, it had reminded me of some kind of screen.
Thinking about it now, I think it was almost as if my attention was being drawn away from my New Age interests, and back to the dream.
UPDATED: 2024
I will be returning to this experience in a future post and wanted to update the original with an updated version.
_________
The update to this post is excerpted from The Spirit Dream © 2024 All Rights Reserved
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| Front Hall View of Street (Glass Door Knob Since Found At Auction Allowing Us to Open Door) |
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| Looking Down the Front Steps (Nice Old Stained Glass Window Above Out of Sight) |
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| Front Steps Awaiting Intensive Scraping |
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| Badly Damaged Oak Flooring in Living Room |
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| Odd Wall in Living Room and Rear View of My Pup |
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| 2nd Floor Previous Apt. Kitchen Partially Removed by Previous Owner (Note Woods Behind House) |
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| The Pink Room: My Future Bedroom |
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| Remainder of Upstairs Hall, Weird Framing and 3 Sided Bedroom On Right |
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| 2nd Floor Bath with Cracked Marble Floor (Not Used in Years). View of Back Yard. |
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| Kitchen Ceiling Below Said Bath |
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| Mismatched Doors to First Floor Bath and Back Staircase (Note Cool Old Tile) |
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| Odd Assortment of Cabinets |
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| Pantry and View of Back Yard (Note Cool Old Archway from Kitchen) |
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| Photo by Mateusz Suski on Unsplash |
Today marks the one year anniversary of a good friend's passing. And I have been thinking of him even though our friendship ended many years ago.
We said goodbye apparently for good in 1984 when he was making plans to leave the area and I was making plans to marry someone else.
Naturally, a great deal has happened in the intervening years. So it's not surprising, or in anyway indicative of my feelings, that it had been a long time since I'd thought of those days at all.
But three weeks ago, I had a dream. And my friend Tim was the leading character. He was young and handsome in the dream and taller than I remembered. There was a remarkable brightness about him. And I know that kind of brightness.
He looked different but I recognized his energy. Sensing it as if I was standing next him, stepping back in time to re-experience the soul vibration of a person I once loved.
In the dream, we met by chance. I was living alone in a big sunny apartment and he was working at a nearby market. We bumped into each other at his work and he asked if he could see me. Later on, standing in my dream apartment he told me he'd wanted to contact me before but that he was afraid that doing so would stir up old half-forgotten feelings.
And then he explained what he had felt so very long ago and the hows and whys
of what he did, and didn't, do. The information was new but
surprisingly coherent, fitting in neatly with events I had wondered about but
not fully understood at the time. Seeing our history in this new light
changed things. I no longer felt responsible. My old remorse
lifted.
I see that Tim has a child with him, maybe 10 or 11, so the three of us set out together on a wide boardwalk with long strings of golden lights on either side. There was some kind of festival happening around us and I was happy in a way I'd almost forgotten. I told him that he was right about the emotion. "I can feel it," I said. "Can you?"
He didn't answer or if he did, I don't remember. There was a knowing that our time was ending and that he had brought me back to where I was supposed to be. When I woke up and considered the brilliance and the clarity of the dream, I knew that he had passed.
I pulled my laptop into bed and found the obituary online. Tim's picture showed the same beautiful smile I'd loved so long ago. I saw that he had died in a hospice at the age of 52. I was sad that I didn't know, but glad to think that he'd made it through okay.
This dream was one of a series of what I believe to be true visitation dreams. Each dream in the series was evidential in nature, suggesting things I couldn't have otherwise known. All of these dreams occurred over a period of a few months in 2012. Although I’ve had many wonderful, even life altering dreams since, this series was the last of its type. ~ February 2025
I am a member of the Edgar Cayce Book Club on FaceBook. Each month the book club selects a new book for members to read and discuss. Members also get the added privilege of participating in a live online Q & A with the author of the book they are reading! Discussions take place on the book club FaceBook wall and the Q & A takes place via FB chat.This month's selection is "Edgar Cayce on Auras & Colors
" by Kevin Todeschi & Carol Ann Liaros and I enjoyed it so much I have already finished it. The book presents both Cayce's own work with auras and that of Liaros which makes for a wonderful mix of aura and color information.
The Cayce material is presented in in Cayce's own words (as well in summary form) via transcripts of actual readings and through quotations from Cayce's only written work, "Auras: An Essary on the Meaning of Color." Topics covered include the meaning of various colors, associated behaviors, color therapy and the nature of the aura.
Todeschi does a great job of breaking down and explaining the Cayce material and seems to know it inside out. I have enjoyed all of his books, video and audio recordings on Cayce and this book is no exception!
Todeschi does a great job of breaking down and explaining the Cayce material and seems to know it inside out. I have enjoyed all of his books, video and audio recordings on Cayce and this book is no exception!
In contrast with Cayce, who saw colors in association with people for as long as he could remember, Carol Ann Lioros developed her own skill with aura reading. She taught aura reading widely, working with both sited and non-sited individuals through regular workshop and the truly amazing Project Blind Awareness program. She maintains that anyone can learn to see auras and provides great instructions on how to do so.
I started practicing visualizing my own aura as I read the book and by the time I got to the end (and the explanation of how to actually do it) found that what I was doing was very close to the method Liaros recommends. As it turns out, my aura is blue-green with a bit of indigo nearest to my body and just a hint of violet farther out. I thought it was really interesting about the blue-green as that relates to healing and I have a background in nursing.
I found that the soft focus Lioros recommends - with and without my eyes half shut - worked well for me. My best results were with my normal bedroom lighting, which is soft, using the off-white wall as a backdrop. I concentrated on my hand and arm, focusing on the space next to the skin. The color took a few seconds to show and when it did was very distinct, mostly close to my skin with a sort of energy trail at the finger tips not unlike a candle flame in shape. I have been able to repeat this on multiple occasions in this location.
I am experimenting with other locations as well and find that I do not see color in all types of lighting. In my living room for example I see only a bright, mostly colorless or light gold emanation. I found it interesting, however, that even though the color is not available everywhere, I do see the same shape including both the trail at the fingertips and an indent near my outer index finger in all locations.
As I understand it, I am seeing the etheric and astral layers but not the entire aura and I am working on expanding my field of vision. Will update on my progress! For more about the energy and science of color please check out the following post: The Frequency of Color.
As I understand it, I am seeing the etheric and astral layers but not the entire aura and I am working on expanding my field of vision. Will update on my progress! For more about the energy and science of color please check out the following post: The Frequency of Color.
Why are people apparently and frequently noticing repeating numbers, such 11:11 or 2:22, on digital displays? Consider the following theories.
The Pattern Recognition Theory: Pattern recognition is a natural function of the human brain and something most people do automatically. Reading digital displays is somewhat automatic as well.
The argument for pattern recognition and random chance maintains that people experiencing the repeating number phenomena look at digital displays repeatedly and mostly unconsciously throughout their day until they observe a repeating number sequence. The sequence makes an impression on the individual's conscious while the majority of patternless events do not. According to this theory, we believe that we are seeing a repeating number every time we time we look at the clock when when we really are only seeing it occasionally.
The argument for pattern recognition and random chance maintains that people experiencing the repeating number phenomena look at digital displays repeatedly and mostly unconsciously throughout their day until they observe a repeating number sequence. The sequence makes an impression on the individual's conscious while the majority of patternless events do not. According to this theory, we believe that we are seeing a repeating number every time we time we look at the clock when when we really are only seeing it occasionally.
While I suspect there is some truth in this idea, I don't think it addresses the phenomena in its entirety. There are, after all, 1,440 minutes in a 24 hour day and while we are not awake or in proximity to digital devices for all of these 24 hours, it is probably not unusual for most of us to be within reading range of a digital display for half of them.
How likely is it that a person will note the single occurrence of 11:11 out of the possible 720 remaining number combinations in a specified 12 hour period (morning, afternoon and evening)? That depends on how many times he or she checks the clock, of course, but if we consider random as a 50 / 50 chance occurrence, observing the 11:11 event is only random if the clock is checked in excess of 360 times per 12 hour day or 30 times per hour. And while it is not impossible to check the clock every 2 minutes it is not ordinary behavior either.
So if the number do not add up to a truly random phenomena in the majority of 11:11 reports, just what are we dealing with?
The Time-Interval Training Theory: Could people be training their minds, albeit subconsciously, to note repeating numbers? I think in some instances it is certainly possible. Some people find themselves noting a specific point on the clock on a daily basis without ascribing any special meaning to this accomplishment. These are the people who check the workplace clock at a particular time in the afternoon every day or to wake up at 7 am on a Saturday even though they have not set their alarm. In these situations, it seems that they have established their own independent body clock - training themselves to trigger an awareness of time at regularly reoccurring intervals.
The time-interval training theory however is only applicable to people who have this skill and not everyone does. Additionally, time-interval training mostly seems to work when a person notes a specific time on daily basis and many people who note repeating numbers do so frequently as opposed to daily.
The time-interval training theory however is only applicable to people who have this skill and not everyone does. Additionally, time-interval training mostly seems to work when a person notes a specific time on daily basis and many people who note repeating numbers do so frequently as opposed to daily.
The Hype Theory: Does the fact that many people are noting the not particularly random occurrence of repeating numbers make it more or less credible? I would lean towards more but this is only my opinion and an argument can be made in either direction. Still from where I sit, the repeating number phenomena does seem to be a real phenomena being at the very least telepathic (in the way of the Global Consciousness Project). But is it, as so many are implying, truly synchonistic?
The Case for Synchronicity: The issue with the synchronicity, is that synchronicity is by definition not only a pairing of events (e.g. looking at the clock / observing a repeating number sequence) that are neither causal or random but a pairing of meaningful events. In other words, for something to be a true synchronicity, it must contain a message.
Does 11:11 convey any meaningful message? I'm not sure. But many people believe it does!
Does 11:11 convey any meaningful message? I'm not sure. But many people believe it does!
The Tokens of Light Oracle is a new and highly original method of divination created by Israeli artist and long time student of Kabbalah, Orna Ben-Shoshan.The oracle consists of 66 individual reading disks cut from good quality card stock and two additional disks which serve as amulets. Each reading disk or token features a miniature of Ben-Shoshan's delightful, well executed and sometimes whimsical fantasy art on one side and a letter of the Hebrew alef-bet, corresponding number and short divinatory description in both Hebrew and English on the other. Ben-Shoshan has created three disks with varying but related interpretations for each of the 22 letters of the Hebrew alef-bet giving the oracle a wide range of available interpretations.
The Tokens of Light oracle is packaged in an attractive, well constructed lavender box with a lovely image of our galaxy prominently displayed on the inner lid. The disks may be stored loose in the box or kept separately in the accompanying sheer golden bag. A detailed 86 page booklet provides information on the Hebrew alef-bet, Kabbalah and Sefer Yetzirah and includes a comprehensive interpretation of each of the 66 disks as well as general information on the Hebrew letter they describe.
The Tokens of Light booklet describes the oracle as "a powerful tool for attaining insights about the course of your life...according to the cosmic DNA." It goes on to say that "according to the Kabbalah, the 22 Hebrew letters are considered as channels through which divine abundance flows into the universe." As a tool for divination, the text explains that The Tokens of Light oracle provides insight into the forces affecting life situations and offers a choice of actions which can resolve problems and transform situations to our advantage, as well as restoring health and balance to our lives.
In response to my email interview on the creation of The Tokens of Light oracle Ben-Shoshan shared the following information: "The process of creation was very challenging - to say the least. Many Kabbalah texts relate to the secret powers of the Hebrew alphabet, which is the largest foundation of the universe. When coming to understand the characteristics of each one of the letters, the amount of information is as wide as the ocean. Any chosen letter represents many things with one common denominator - a certain type of energy/current/direction. Furthermore, each letter has positive aspects, that come into manifestation when its natural flow is balanced and un-interrupted, as well as negative aspects, that manifest themselves when the energy/channel flow typical to this letter is interrupted/blocked. These spiritual/abstract qualities are manifested in the physical/mundane realm as qualities, events, and characteristics. Since my major language is Hebrew, and I have been a long-term student of Kabbalah, I took the challenge to interpret the energetic qualities of the letters into a "practical" format that people can easily relate to."
I believe she has succeeded. In The Tokens of Light, I found an oracle capable of both spiritual depth and very direct practical advice. The oracle can be understood in terms of Kabbalah, traditional Gematria or Western numerology, as well as through the individual interpretations listed in the accompanying booklet. Additionally, as each of the 22 Hebrew letters is linked to card from the major arcana of tarot, the oracle allows those who are familiar with tarot to factor in an additional dimension of meaning. The 66 written interpretations provided are both comprehensive and specific. Like Tarot, not all of the information will be relevant to any given situation, but it is all complementary and allows for the intuitive selection of content that pertains to the situation at hand.
The Tokens of Light booklet describes the oracle as "a powerful tool for attaining insights about the course of your life...according to the cosmic DNA." It goes on to say that "according to the Kabbalah, the 22 Hebrew letters are considered as channels through which divine abundance flows into the universe." As a tool for divination, the text explains that The Tokens of Light oracle provides insight into the forces affecting life situations and offers a choice of actions which can resolve problems and transform situations to our advantage, as well as restoring health and balance to our lives.
In response to my email interview on the creation of The Tokens of Light oracle Ben-Shoshan shared the following information: "The process of creation was very challenging - to say the least. Many Kabbalah texts relate to the secret powers of the Hebrew alphabet, which is the largest foundation of the universe. When coming to understand the characteristics of each one of the letters, the amount of information is as wide as the ocean. Any chosen letter represents many things with one common denominator - a certain type of energy/current/direction. Furthermore, each letter has positive aspects, that come into manifestation when its natural flow is balanced and un-interrupted, as well as negative aspects, that manifest themselves when the energy/channel flow typical to this letter is interrupted/blocked. These spiritual/abstract qualities are manifested in the physical/mundane realm as qualities, events, and characteristics. Since my major language is Hebrew, and I have been a long-term student of Kabbalah, I took the challenge to interpret the energetic qualities of the letters into a "practical" format that people can easily relate to."
I believe she has succeeded. In The Tokens of Light, I found an oracle capable of both spiritual depth and very direct practical advice. The oracle can be understood in terms of Kabbalah, traditional Gematria or Western numerology, as well as through the individual interpretations listed in the accompanying booklet. Additionally, as each of the 22 Hebrew letters is linked to card from the major arcana of tarot, the oracle allows those who are familiar with tarot to factor in an additional dimension of meaning. The 66 written interpretations provided are both comprehensive and specific. Like Tarot, not all of the information will be relevant to any given situation, but it is all complementary and allows for the intuitive selection of content that pertains to the situation at hand.
In terms of accuracy, I am able to personally give The Tokens of Light a decidedly positive rating. In preparation for this review, I chose to consult the oracle at the onset of a specific situation and re-evaluate the info given after the circumstance had been resolved. The situation I chose was my ongoing search for a new home. At the time, I did my reading I had found a promising house and my plan to purchase appeared favorable. I asked the oracle to focus on this property in particular. I wrote down the names and numbers of the tokens I selected but did not read the full interpretations until after the fact. The reading I was given as I analyze it today included the following info:
- Samech 1: "Completion and closing cycles. A need to close the existing cycle [my current residence]. Time is short [true] and there is much to be done [truer still]. Intensive work to complete the project on time. Accumulated debts have to be paid and loose ends tied. At this time, it is possible that old, unresolved problems arise from your past, causing obstructions at the present." Please see my previous entry Finding My Center: The Search for a Place to Call Home to fully appreciate the relevance of this last bit of information. The booklet goes on to note that Samech relates to Sagittarius and the fire element (I am a Leo and my BF is a Sag) as well as the Temperance card in tarot which could not be more appropriate to the situation as it unfolded.
- Kaf 2: "Pain and endurance. Instability, fluctuations from one extreme to the other [my state of mind as I experienced severe anxiety regarding the purchase which I could not clearly attribute to either past baggage or intuition at that point because everything looked good externally]...and a tendency to take on significant risks [unknown to me at the time but there nonetheless]. A mixture of opposing energies [my conflict]. This is a situation where you will be influenced by shaky external circumstances the constellation you take part of is collapsing at the end of a process [deal did indeed fall through] and new beginnings are at the door [yes]. Sleep patterns change. You may suffer insomnia and unrest. You have to apply realistic judgment and a lot of patience in order to endure the raging currents and self-control will be the key to your survival. A person who can recruit mental powers to a positive direction...will achieve material success. The letter Kaf represents Pisces, the water element and is attributed to the Moon card in tarot." As I moved through the process of purchasing my dream home, I suffered unexpected mood swings, insomnia, severe anxiety and experienced an impending sense of doom. As it played out, there was something hidden about the property (Moon card) which involved the element of water (the house was in an undisclosed high risk flood zone due to proximity to a creek). I found out about the flood status well after my oracle reading when I was already midway through the purchasing process.
- Ayin 3: "Enslavement to matter. Compulsive attraction to a person or situation and a sense of panic at the odds that you may be enslaved by it forever in order to fulfill your desires. An aggravating conflict between your rejection of things that are dictated to you from above [my intuition] and the tendency to sell your soul for material gain. Gaining freedom is only possible if you reduce your dependence on material earthly things [did I mention original woodwork, stained glass and a carved stone mantel?] and settle with less. The letter Ayin is associated with the earth element, the sign of Capricorn and the Devil card" - need I say more?
- Zayin 2: "To make a clear cut decision. This aspect of the letter Zayin focuses on substance, meaning and purpose. Things will get better and desires will be fulfilled when you focus on what really matters [the happiness and safety of my family]. You will not get anywhere if you do not make an important decision right now. In order to focus on the major issue, you need to stop everything and ask yourself: 'Who am I and what is my purpose in life?' You may be influenced by your surroundings and absorb confusing messages [very true]. You will need to put aside everything that would not advance you spiritually or materially and break the chains that hinder you [I did]. Once a decision is made, you shall reach a sense of calmness, serenity and balance [thankfully!] The letter Zayin is the seventh letter and its Gematria is 7 [my number]. It is associated with the element of air [clear thought and divine guidance]. In tarot it refers to the Lovers card." My choice (an important aspect of the Lovers card) in this instance involved deciding against something in which I was quite emotionally invested but the anxiety I experienced throughout the purchasing process was so intense that, in the end, losing the dream was an enormous relief.
I hope that the example above illustrates how appropriate and ultimately accurate The Tokens of Light oracle was in my own application. Based on my experience and the wonderful information the oracle offers, I now consider it a valuable tool and intend to use it often as important adjunct to my own intuition. The complete oracle set can be ordered online via the following website: kabbalahinsights.com/en/products/tokens-of-light. For a closer look at the oracle and its enchanting artwork, please click on any of the photos featured in this article.
Not to mention, the eventual inheritance of those yet to come. It is a weighty decision bounded by hard rules, I cannot disregard, and the even harder limitation of money.
Additionally, I have found it surprisingly necessary to factor in my entire fairly complicated relationship with the concept of home. Having grown up in a truly unhappy and traumatic household, I became a person who forged ties to people, instead of place.
Additionally, I have found it surprisingly necessary to factor in my entire fairly complicated relationship with the concept of home. Having grown up in a truly unhappy and traumatic household, I became a person who forged ties to people, instead of place.
This ability allowed me to almost effortlessly leave home at a young age, travel widely and live in more places than I can easily account for. When I became a mother, I changed gears, making only a few strategic moves within a defined radius I deemed advantageous for growing children but each move was little more than a calculation made with no real emotion. I considered each house a responsibility and an investment and occasionally a haven but never the heartbeat of home.
So while I decorated and remodeled and increased property values in the places I lived over the course of my life, I was never strongly emotionally tied to an address. In retrospect I am sure that this disconnect sprang from my childhood relationship with two very different houses. The first was the beautiful split level in rural Michigan boasting a wooded lot and built in pool which all my friends envied.
Sadly, the beautiful woods surrounding our little acre were chopped down in the name of development - forever destroying the secret places of childhood. It was a long heartbreaking process which taught me a lot about the Western concept of ownership and the failure of stewardship. Eclipsing even the loss of our forest playground, however, the profound and unremitting unhappiness I felt in that house taught me a very important lesson about the relationship between material wealth and interpersonal well-being. But as important as this lesson was, my second attachment to place had an even greater affect on my development.
Throughout my childhood, I spent small slices of summer at my grandparent's old farmhouse. It was a beautiful old house with long dark halls and sunlit windows and safe quiet spaces. The big farm kitchen always smelled like fresh bread and you could feel the energy of true happiness the second you walked in the door. There was a wide porch with rocking chairs and a sunrise view of the river and you could see forever from the mountain behind the backyard. In difficult times, it was my paradise and the only place I was ever truly safe. Loving it the way I did made it almost impossible for me to connect to all lesser houses later in life. In the end, losing all access to that place and the fields and mountains that were part of the property apparently severed my ability to forge an attachment to any future point on the map.
In November at the very start of my house search, I thought about the impact all of that history and decided to drive by my grandparent's old house and make my peace with the past before I truly moved on. When I reached the place I remembered so well, I stopped and sat in the car for a very long time - too stunned to cry. The the hill overlooking the river was barren and the house was no longer there. I saw nothing but brambles and the hint of a foundation. The final and irrevocable loss was unexpected and disheartening.
To me, this meant that it might be time for me to finally make my own real time connection to place. And so a few short months later it seemed about to happen. I found a lovely old Victorian at a surprisingly affordable price. It had plenty of room, a rental unit and all of the lovely original woodwork including two beautiful fireplaces. It needed work of course but it was a house worthy of such devotion. Over the course of the negotiations however, a feeling of foreboding overtook me. I blamed my past. I blamed my inability to believe in my own good fortune. But I just couldn't shake it.
Throughout my childhood, I spent small slices of summer at my grandparent's old farmhouse. It was a beautiful old house with long dark halls and sunlit windows and safe quiet spaces. The big farm kitchen always smelled like fresh bread and you could feel the energy of true happiness the second you walked in the door. There was a wide porch with rocking chairs and a sunrise view of the river and you could see forever from the mountain behind the backyard. In difficult times, it was my paradise and the only place I was ever truly safe. Loving it the way I did made it almost impossible for me to connect to all lesser houses later in life. In the end, losing all access to that place and the fields and mountains that were part of the property apparently severed my ability to forge an attachment to any future point on the map.
In November at the very start of my house search, I thought about the impact all of that history and decided to drive by my grandparent's old house and make my peace with the past before I truly moved on. When I reached the place I remembered so well, I stopped and sat in the car for a very long time - too stunned to cry. The the hill overlooking the river was barren and the house was no longer there. I saw nothing but brambles and the hint of a foundation. The final and irrevocable loss was unexpected and disheartening.To me, this meant that it might be time for me to finally make my own real time connection to place. And so a few short months later it seemed about to happen. I found a lovely old Victorian at a surprisingly affordable price. It had plenty of room, a rental unit and all of the lovely original woodwork including two beautiful fireplaces. It needed work of course but it was a house worthy of such devotion. Over the course of the negotiations however, a feeling of foreboding overtook me. I blamed my past. I blamed my inability to believe in my own good fortune. But I just couldn't shake it.
I pushed the deal forward anyway and tried hard to ignore my misgivings. The unremitting insomnia and anxiety took its toll in the end, and I gave in and I checked and rechecked all the information regarding the purchase until I found the fatal flaw which made it impossible for me to go through with the purchase. While neither the owner or neighbors were aware of it, flood plain maps showed that the house was in a zone A flood zone due to its proximity to a nearby mountain and stream.
It was a hard blow but I am a survivor and I moved on. The second house I seriously considered was disliked by all family members excluding myself and I was able to let it go, having no real attachment to the property other than practicality. Within a relatively short time, there was a third house but the subsequent rebound deal fell through as well.
But I still believe the right house will come along!
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